Why We Should Not Have to Face Adversity Alone
When difficult things happen, mainstream American culture often tells us to handle our problems privately. We are encouraged to "check our problems at the door," put on a positive face, and pretend everything is okay.
I believe that message can be deeply unhealthy.
One of the teachings I have appreciated in Ojibwe culture—and one that I know is reflected in many Indigenous cultures—is very different: If you have a problem, bring it into the community. We will help carry the load.
There is a saying that, roughly translated, means that if there is a bramble in your life, pick up your axe.
The axe is a metaphor for what we do when life becomes difficult. It is one thing to say that we are communal. It is another thing to show what being communal actually looks like.
Community Means Showing Up
We often describe Indigenous cultures as communal, but community is more than an idea or a value statement.
Community is action.
It means showing up when someone is hurting. It means allowing people to lean on us when they are struggling. It means accepting help when we are the ones who need it.
When there is a death in a community, for example, you do not have to be an immediate family member to attend the funeral. You go because someone in your community is hurting.
You show up.
That simple act communicates something profound: You are not alone.
The Teaching of Wiping the Tears
I have experienced this teaching personally through ceremonies surrounding grief and loss.
After experiencing deaths in my family, I received a ceremony known as "wiping the tears." In earlier times, people in mourning sometimes put charcoal on their faces as a visible expression of grief. They would also leave their hair unbraided rather than attending to it in the usual way.
The ceremony helps a person move through grief and return to life.
I remember hearing about a man whose son had died. He was overwhelmed by his loss and said that he wanted nothing to do with the drum, ceremonies, or cultural practices.
The people around him did not simply tell him to be strong.
They went to him.
They took him by the hand, walked him back to his place, and sat with him. They encouraged him to continue with life, reminding him that sometimes terrible things happen to good people.
They washed the charcoal from his face. They combed and re-braided his hair. They gathered gifts and presented them to him as encouragement to continue living.
Warriors sang and danced around the drum and around him. They wiped his tears and marked the places where his tears had fallen.
After several songs, they lifted him up and brought him back into the circle. Eventually, they let him go so that he could dance on his own.
That final movement is powerful.
The community carries you until you are ready to stand and move again.
Healing Is Both Individual and Communal
There is an important lesson here for Indigenous education and for anyone thinking about emotional wellness.
We are often taught that resilience means handling adversity by ourselves.
But resilience does not have to mean isolation.
A healthy community can provide the relationships and cultural practices that allow people to endure difficult experiences without having to carry them alone.
The Ojibwe language and cultural teachings contain many ways of understanding relationships, responsibility, and connection. These ideas are not abstract. They are expressed through ceremonies, gatherings, relationships, and everyday acts of care.
Culture becomes powerful when it gives people ways to act.
We Do Not Have to Pretend Everything Is Fine
There is a difference between hope and pretending.
Hope does not require us to deny grief.
It does not require us to hide pain.
It does not mean putting on a smile and pretending that everything is okay.
Sometimes the healthiest thing we can do is acknowledge that something hurts and allow other people to help us carry it.
That is not weakness.
That is relationship.
And it works in both directions.
We need to be willing to lean on other people, but we also have a responsibility to become people others can lean on.
The Strength of Showing Up
Some of the greatest strength I have received in my life has come from people who simply showed up.
They did not necessarily have the perfect words.
They did not always have a solution.
They were there.
I have been privileged to participate in ceremonies for other people who were experiencing loss, and I have also been deeply honored to receive that kind of care myself.
Those experiences have reminded me that community is not something we simply claim.
We demonstrate it.
When someone is grieving, we show up.
When someone is struggling, we show up.
When someone needs help, we show up.
When someone has lost their way, we help them find their place in the circle again.
What the Axe Teaches Us
The metaphor of the axe offers another important lesson.
When there is a bramble in your life, you cannot simply wish it away.
You have to pick up the axe.
Adversity requires action.
Sometimes that action is cultural. Sometimes it is relational. Sometimes it is practical. Sometimes it is simply allowing another person to stand beside us while we take the next step.
The important thing is that we do not have to clear the path alone.
Building Communities Where People Can Lean on One Another
We do not have to check our problems at the door.
We do not have to pretend that everything is okay when it is not.
We can acknowledge grief. We can acknowledge hardship. We can ask for help.
And we can show up for one another.
That is what community looks like.
When there is a bramble in your life, pick up your axe. But remember that you do not necessarily have to clear the path by yourself.
There are people who will walk beside you.
And when someone else encounters a bramble, be one of the people who shows up to help them clear the path.
Recommended links for posting
Most relevant books
Recommended internal links